Tag Archives: Family members

Detachment by Family problems

In the previous article Liza Borstlap writes

I came to believe that the conflict in my family had created itself.

It would be lovely if we all could grow up in very close lovely families which can give us everything we need. Though it does not work that way. The world is not made in such a way that all can be born at the right good place, in the right good class, receiving all the good education or even being all very bright.

First Lady Michelle Obama reads "The Cat ...

First Lady Michelle Obama reads “The Cat in the Hat” to children in Ms. Mattie’s class at Prager Child Development Center March 12, during her visit to Fort Bragg, N.C. The First Lady spoke with Soldiers and Family members as part of her initiative to care for military families. First Lady vows support for military families (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Even when all the material richness would be there when you are born in a rich family it does not mean you will find the luck to have a good relationship between all the members of that family.

Wherever we may be born in whatever for family we are just part of one big turmoil. Every day, people’s lives are touched by political, social, economic, and religious conflicts that tear the human family apart. In these conflicts, it is common for people to take sides — verbally or otherwise — with the nation, tribe, language group, or social class of which they are a part.
Even when people are not directly involved in some conflict, they often find themselves favouring one side over another. But regardless of which person or cause they endorse, to whom are they really giving support?

The Bible plainly states:

The whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one.” (1 John 5:19)

Families are not always such perfect units that shields the individual from a cruel society. Mostly we do find that in those families where there are no rules and morals and no eye for ethics the chances of getting derailed are grater than in religious families where certain religious rules go over the human will.

We must come to see we too can often be the cause of a problem. We too can be making problems even bigger than they are. Also by becoming indifferent for what goes on we can get ourselves in a deeper mess than we would love to see ourselves. Indifference in the end shall create emotional agitation and stress which shall become so unbearable that the person shall find no inner peace left. Danger then is that one tries to look for detachment, thinking it can preserve the self.

Another big problem is when people are not open enough to tell each-other what is on their liver. When not willing to let yourself be seen by the other like you are, you are that other person not giving the opportunity to get to know you, like you are really. It is by not having the open spirit to allow each other to be him or herself that restrictions are also laid on each other. When people than start remaining silent about the interference, the neglect, the labelling and toxic in-fighting, that often leaves a person with a limp and the frustration may ferment the malfunction in the own body as well as in the facility of being part of one united family.

It is not by secretly covering our own failures and mishaps until we can identify the black sheep that can take the blame, that we are going to come to a good solution. The opposite, that will bring us deeper in the well.

Deep in us may we find it screwing and tormenting. Our head can becoming spinning and looking for answers, but not seeing the places where those answers are easy to pick up. This deep-seated conflict between the desire to know and the inability to find the answer has tormented thinkers and philosophers throughout the ages. However, since God has put that yearning or desire in our heart, is it not logical to look to him to provide what is needed to satisfy that desire? After all, the Bible says of Jehovah:

“You are opening your hand and satisfying the desire of every living thing.” (Psalm 145:16)

For all those conflict which are between the family members, those persons should come to see what binds them, what makes it that they are brother and sister and that their is something in their blood which is more than special, even unique.

Even when we do feel so much hurt by our own family members, we should come over the point of being selfish and come to see that we can be a necessary link to heal the wounds made previously.

Being kind to those in our family involves following the admonition of the apostle Paul:

“Really put them all away from you, wrath, anger, badness, abusive speech, and obscene talk out of your mouth.”

Every day, Christian families should communicate with one another in a respectful manner. Why? Because good communication is the lifeblood of strong, healthy families. When disagreements arise, to smooth the conflict, try to solve the problem rather than win the argument. Happy family members make an earnest effort to promote kindness and consideration for one another. — Colossians 3:8, 12-14.

By turning to God’s Word, the Bible, we can find satisfying explanations about life and death and about God’s eternal purpose regarding the earth and the human family. — Ephesians 3:11.

Kindness is positive and makes us want to do good to others. Thus, we seek to be useful, considerate, and helpful in an agreeable manner with other family members. It takes both individual and collective effort to show the type of kindness that speaks well of a family. As a result, not only will they have God’s blessing but, in the congregation and in the community, they will honour the God of kindness, Jehovah. — 1 Peter 2:12.

When frustrated, when in conflict with members of the family it would be best to seek Biblical advice and to put your own “self” not in the centre but alongside all others in the family. By going to look for answers in the Holy Scriptures solutions may be found. Even when others do not want to know of God, you yourself will be able to change so much that your improved attitude shall be helpful to heal the wounds.

Seeing all the conflicts around us we also should try to become part of them. Best we take on a form of neutrality. Taking care of not to become misled with what is going on around us we should show others the other way to come closer to each other and to have agapé love.

We ourselves should know that our time on earth is limited and that we should make the best of it. Our hope should be in the coming new world, and it is that idea that we should share with those around us. Our task is to come up for others and to protect them, but we must know that we can not take them or ourselves out of this world. (John 17:15, 16) We live in this world and have to live with it, but that does not mean we have to live according to it. No, we have to live according to God’s Law and by following His word many blessings may come over us already in this life. By not wanting to be part of this world, but by being part of God’s world we shall find ways to bring the love of Christ over unto others as well and then the love of Christ may also grow deeper in us.  .

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Preceding articles:

When you stay in your lane, there’s no traffic.

Family happiness and little things we do

Families with four or more kids most happiest

.under the gazebo.

How to Raise a Happy Child

Crisis man needed in this world

Dissolve The Barriers You Created

What is important?

Learning that stuff is just stuff

72 Synod Fathers on the topic “The vocation and mission of the family in the Church and the contemporary world”

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Additional reading

  1. Behold, My mother and My brothers!
  2. Importance of parents 1
  3. Importance of parents 2
  4. Father and motherhood
  5. Youngsters, parents and the search to root in life
  6. Some one or something to fear #4 Families and Competition
  7. Teach children the Bible
  8. Poverty and conservative role patterns
  9. Dignified role for the woman
  10. Connection between women and environmental sustainability
  11. Three years ago and look back at several decennials ago
  12. Growing rift between observant parents and their children
  13. Synod of Bishops concerning minors
  14. Two synods and life in the church community
  15. Need to Embrace People Where They Are
  16. Conclusion of the synod of bishops for seeing the family in the light of the Gospel and church tradition
  17. Don’t be the weakest link
  18. I’m not a Mooch
  19. Patience is the ability to count down before blasting off
  20. Agape, a love to share with others from the Fruit of the Spirit
  21. Better loaves when the heart is joyous
  22. Jehovah’s Witnesses Shunning ex-members adverse effects on family relationships
  23. Agape, a love to share with others from the Fruit of the Spirit

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Further reading

  1. Conflict: Understanding Suspense
  2. Understanding others
  3. Understanding between religions
  4. Urges
  5. Subconflict, and Lots of It
  6. Fighting words: The role of conflict in fiction writing.
  7. No one listening? Then stop shouting, you might get heard
  8. The Rise and Fall of Action – for all levels
  9. Never Doubt Yourself
  10. Remembering Infinity: Caution…Egos at Work!
  11. Follow your heart when it’s in conflict with your brain!!!
  12. Can the World Bank Reduce Conflict in Nigeria by Providing Social Assistance?
  13. I Find my self conflicted
  14. Governance in a Mature Society, Part 2
  15. Communicating With Family – How to Let a Family Member Know They Hurt You
  16. Blessings and Duct Tape: How to Help Your Kids Get Along
  17. Stand Firm
  18. Hope For Battle Weary Mamas
  19. Family Conflict and Summer: The Best Time To Work Out Issues
  20. The father-child meeting
  21. The Problem With Beliefs
  22. Fighting With Your Spouse: How You Indirectly Effect Your Child
  23. 6 Tips for Handling Family Conflicts While Caregiving
  24. 10 Things You Need To Hear If Your Significant Other And Your Family Don’t Get Along
  25. Hurt People Hurt People
  26. Divorce: Part 1
  27. Divorce: Part 2, the minor problem
  28. Their’s Was A Perpetual Love Affair
  29. Depression: Postpartum Depression in Mothers
  30. Personality: The Birth Order Effect
  31. Frustration
  32. Finding Home
  33. The Very Best Way To Understand Grace
  34. Just like Granny told you, “Count your blessings!”

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Filed under Activism and Peace Work, Being and Feeling, Crimes & Atrocities, Lifestyle, Social affairs, Welfare matters

Learning that stuff is just stuff

Lindsay Felderman confesses she is a person that likes to shop and buy new things.  Over the years she has accumulated a lot of stuff, from clothes to shoes to hats to Apple products to video games and more, like so many people have gone from one shop to an other or looked at the internet shops to find their liking.

Though many focus on gaining material wealth her eyes may have gone open by two life events that have happened/are happening now that are making her come to the realization more and more, that things are just things, and that what is more important is creating memories with people that you love.

What may be the changing elements that people come to see that they have to live more simply.

She writes:

if we haven’t used/seen/worn something in the past year, it’s out of here.  Going to charity or the garbage.  No need to keep so many physical items around.  I have learned over the years and the amount of times I have moved, that stuff is just stuff, but every time I settle down, it seems I collect more and more.  Well, not this time.  I am getting rid of the clutter and starting fresh. {The Meaning of Material Things}

Today lots of people have lost track of the necessities of real life making issues. Several youngsters are clinging to the idea of having the most recent newest thing brings happiness, and want to do everything to get the new hipe. They have no idea any more that material things are nothing without real people behind it that get their love from those around it.

For many people it takes a lot of time before they come to see what Lindsay came to see and feel when she and ‘her’

Samantha and I’s families met for the first time, Ever, in almost 3 whole years.

She came to feel one of the most elementary things for building up a real ‘home’ and a real ‘family’ and got to see what

transpired that day was truly magical, it was so special,

that she will never forget

Each one of us only brought certain family members to the event for various reasons.  But each one of our family members meshed in a way that I couldn’t have planned myself.  Every one was laughing and joking, and conversations were flowing all over the place.  Every one truly wanted to learn about the other.  There was not one dull moment.  It was honestly the way that family should be.  No drama, no fighting, just pure love, honest and true love.  I know this is really mushy, but if you know anything about the history of Samantha and I, you will know that this was a moment we were not sure would ever come. {The Meaning of Material Things}

It is incredible how many broken families we can encounter today. At school we find classes where there is not one kid who still lives by both its parents. Divorce seems to be the key word of this contemporary society where not many want to take time to talk with each other and to make it worthwhile living with each other instead of living next to each other.

Lindsay Felderman got reminded that family is what you make of it, but also came to see how it is possible for others to be there for you and how valuable this is. This is the most precious treasure so many do not seem to find, though it is so close at their doorstep.

Much more people should be there for each other,  willing to share their love and time for each other, with comprehension and with patience. It is so important

That people who truly love you, will be there for you.  That they will love you no matter what, that they will take you in their arms and hug you because you are special and unique and just You.

But to come to such a position people do have to be wiling themselves to be just their own and not somebody who fits the common trend of homogeneous people, wearing those clothes that shops and fashion magazines dictate.

When a person is really just herself and is willing to give her self openly to somebody else and to share herself with others than the doors may go open to build a good relationship and to build real ‘family’.

It is unbelievable what that lady could gather in whatever time it took to collect more than

The purge18, 30 gallon trash bags, filled with clothes, shoes, hats, purses, and accessories galore.  … They were just taking up space in our closet for no other reason than to take up space.  That wasn’t all we gave away though, just the 1st round.  I would say by the end of it, we had close to 30 bags that we donated, and a bunch of boxes of DVDs and books as well.  It felt great to get rid of so much Stuff.  That is all it was, just stuff, taking up space. {Do What You Say}

She also recognises that this doesn’t even include the amount of crap she had collected by the years and dared (at last) to threw away. We do not know if it would have been wise to throw a way her school projects she did when she was a kid, even to her high school yearbook, because in our country (Belgium) a student has to keep the school material for ten years, because it can always asked a s a proof of studies and work done.

She went with the mantra that,

“I will always have the memories”.

but has forgotten that perhaps one day in history she perhaps would have children and later grandchildren and than she will not have anything to show and to share.
Naturally there is no need to continue to lug around physical items to remind oneself of those memories, as long as they are not destroyed. For the moment she thinks it is impossible that her memories can ever be destroyed, but then she forget that accidents and illnesses are possible to wash away any sort of memory and by then it can be useful to have some materials to bring back the memory. (The writer of this article your reading, speaks of experience, having had a memory loss after a very serious car-crash.)

Though lovely to hear Lindsay Felderman immediately felt lighter as she packed and got everything moved to her new place in one weekend.

But the point of this all,

she writes, is

I did what I said I was going to do.  I didn’t just talk the talk, I walked the walk.  I wrote about how material things aren’t the true meaning of life, that I was going to start to purge the majority of mine and I did it.

We are taught from a young age, that actions speak louder than words.  But many of us still grow up to be big talkers.  We talk about our dreams and what we could be doing.  But very few of us actually act on those dreams.  We let life get in the way, and we let our words speak louder than our actions instead of the other way around. {Do What You Say}

Today we do not find many youngsters with aspirations and when we encounter people who say they want to do this or that, we see that they are not really taking steps to do so. Not many want to do what they say, but it seem Lindsay took the courage to do so.

Can you do it as well?

She concludes

You gain more credibility in life when you just do what you say you are going to do.  Plus it feels better, you say something and you do it.  People around you begin to trust you, they believe that you will do the things you talk about.  When you only sit around and talk about it, you just become a talker, you become noise in their ear.  Much like the “wamp, wamp, wamp” noises that the adults in Charlie Brown made every time they were talking to the kids.  You don’t want to be that person.

Be someone who makes a difference, makes a change, follows your dreams and most importantly: do what you say. {Do What You Say}

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Preceding articles:

Mini-MAX-malism: A Bigger Approach to Less is More

Less… is still enough

Less for more

The Art of Doing Less – Your Time is Finite

Thought of the day: We want more, i want more, but why is that?

Looking at a conservative review of Shop Class As Soul Craft

Material wealth, Submission and Heaven on earth

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Filed under Being and Feeling, Lifestyle