Epictetus: What is in our control?

In a period when so many people would have more time for each other, being able to take a long vacation or a long ‘Winter sleep’ so many seem to worry about matters they have not in control and shall not be able to have in control whatsoever.

Letting fear go is for many difficult, but all answers lie in themselves. But it also could help a lot when they would dare to go looking for the best solution to get rid of all worries by finding the saviour who can bring them under the Wings of the Most Precious One Who is Master of everything, the Elohim Hashem Jehovah. When people would trust Him more life for them would be much easier.

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To remember

• What in our control = question couched in fear.
• Fear = feeling which takes us back to our reptilian brain & automatic responses => rigid + compulsive.
• response to life situations = only thing in our control. <= all have ability to make a choice => choice not to react to primitive impulses we feel.
• human beings =  logical beings > answers = give us a sense of control = illusion of control.
• To become healthy = important to let go of unhealthy emotions.
• Letting go = process not taught
• We decide what is good or bad, right or wrong > placiing intrinsic value on those definitions = simply judgements =>  realize + accept => process of letting go = easier.

The Stoic Social Worker

What is in our control is a difficult question to answer. It’s a question couched in fear. Fear is a feeling which takes us back to our reptilian brain and automatic responses. This part of our brain tends to be rigid and compulsive. If we find ourselves stuck here we don’t learn to adapt. We all wish to be able to control the amount and intensity of the fear that we experience. The answer to the question, “What is in our control” is frustrating and can serve to increase anxiety because there is no answer to that question, at least not an answer that some will find acceptable.

Our response to life situations is the only thing in our control. We all have the ability to make a choice, the choice to not react to the primitive impulses we feel.

As a therapist I have been asked a lot of…

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a Path to explore more

When I started with this website, I wanted to share common thoughts or give similar minds an extra open door to reach others, as well as to present a selection of websites, blogs and writings I thought (and think) worthwhile reading or looking at.

For years on all my websites I also presented a “Related” articles list, to give my readers other opportunities to find more writings on the subject. After the many complaints having linked to their article, and having to search for placed links I was asked to remove, from this year onward, I stop to invest time looking for related articles, investing time to read them for after approval, placing links after the posted articles. Now much more time shall come available to publish more articles which are in unison with my thoughts and not bringing readers away from my own sites. (From the statistics more readers from this site went looking at the mentioned site, than receiving readers from the linked site.) At the same time on my websites I shall not any more bringing people to websites which are against me or my beliefs.

After giving all my energy to the world of dance my body could not fit any more the physical world of exuberance and graceful unlimited mobility. Having reached a certain age where they consider a human being not able enough to give enough to the world, I was made redundant, considered to be part of the ‘third age’ group.
First having been very disappointed by the way I was treated, the first two years I did not want to do much with ballet or theatrical dance. Not having to work full time for our living, receiving retirement fund, I could spend more time to my church work. My religious activities started even taking so much time I had less time to write at my own personal blog. (Because pensions not enough to survive I still have a few days a month I work for my living.)

I feel blessed that I am allowed to work at three Bible translations, even when it might consume also a lot of time and lots of thinking-work, being it a seriously very faithful responsibility, not to add or change anything in the saying or purpose of the original words supplied by God. Therefore, those translations in Judaic Dutch (Yiddish Dutch or Flemish), with the eye of two (or three) different groups (namely a Jeshuaist, a Jewish and an Orthodox Jewish public) is and shall be a time-consuming job with lots of thought and consideration).

This does not take away that I would have lost my interest in humanity and how man treats other people, animals and plants. I even became more active, spending also time in meetings concerning our way of life, necessary political actions a.o..
I must admit at meetings and conferences I seem to belong to a minority who strive to get unity in Europe, with some liveable world for everyone. Convinced we have to do something against this capitalist greedy world which does not show respect to the gross of people, animals and plants, I keep going strong and letting my voice being heard.

From  the moment I got retired I did not stop to seek a connection of like minds, to share common positive beliefs, and to be able to learn from each other about how to live life to the fullest.

Jonathan Hilton seems also on such a track. He writes:

Even when things don’t go as we plan, we all know no matter how hard we plan, life will throw us curve balls designed to engender growth. Our lives are defined by the lessons we learn at this moment and the way we handle ourselves. {Mind Connections}

Raising his level of consciousness has become Jonathan Hilton’s passion in life.

and understanding that when I follow and focus on certain core principles in my life and live in alignment with them, things go well. {Mind Connections}

He writes on the opening of his blog Mind Connections, admitting:

When I fall off, and my focus isn’t so sharp, then things are not so pleasant. Conscious thought about where my attention goes allows all of my energies to flow in that direction. {Mind Connections}

With the knowledge that each viewpoint may bring a different set of emotions, a different thought process, and a different reality to the perceiver it only can be enriching to share thoughts and to get to know more people from all over the world and getting to know how they manage to make the best of their life.

We have little control over the perceptions of others, but we may not forget that when we utter our ideas, share our thoughts, we might bring others to other ideas too.

How often do we not wonder if what we are doing is or would be right? How often do we not wonder if we should openly write what we think or if we should write in ways and words others would love to hear? I always have been a bad one at that. By creating my ballets I did not mind criticising the way our society was moving. I never tried to be popular by my creative works. [Choreographing fashion shows was a totally different matter, there I tried to bring the customers to find a connection in a future world to form. (We always had to be seasons ahead, manipulating the fashion trends – and yes, there stimulating human desires of consumption.) There it was also part the business to know beforehand what others would love to wear and see. ] In such way I also kept busy to try to find out what others would like to see and read.

On the surface, it is a simple choice, but in reality, it is a constant battle, {Life is a Mirror}

Hilton notes.
According to him

There is only a short time allotted to each of us to write the story of your life and with that time, we are tasked with a lot of things to accomplish. You have really only one life to get things right and sing the song that you want to sing. {The Story of Your Life}

We can try to make our dreams so compelling, that we will that we can’t wait to work on them, because waiting to experience them, in reality, is too painful. Often it is that enthusiasm which gets us to be restless and gets us up in the middle of the night to scribble something down or even to write certain texts.

A difficulty might be to:

Tune your enthusiasm to the size of your goals and attack it like your story depends on it because it does. That is how you write the story of your life. {The Story of Your Life}

At this blog I want to give, as many people as possible, the opportunity to share their thoughts which they and I find interesting enough to think about. I keep chasing my dreams that we can find enough people all over the world willing to bring others to see how we have to be careful which way of life we want to choose. As a Christian I also would love to see more people sharing the faith in One God and in His Gift and Good News of the coming Kingdom.

Once more, I dare to invite people to join us to share positive thoughts, but also to bring warnings how to tackle ecological and other problems.

Please do not hesitate to contact me, for becoming a part of joining hands across this globe.

”Let Your Guilt Be Washed”

Too many people are being squeezed into a corner and others succeed in humiliating their fellow human beings and making them feel bad.

We have to be very careful not to become a victim by putting ourselves in a weak position. We must always consider our own “I” high and worthy enough to respect each being around us respectfully and to give the love that we may receive from the Supreme, so that we don’t have to feel guilty of our and others wellbeing.

When something bad happens we should always check what caused it and if we were part of the causer(s). As long as we did nothing wrong against the Law of our Maker we should not feel guilty, but that excludes us not of having to try to mend it and to bring back the good to it.

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To remember

• did something bad => feel terribl = feel like you’re a bad person => deal with this
• sometimes there are things we just need to do for ourselves without feeling bad about it.
• need not to be guilty of your wellbeing.
• Misery =  not solution = choice we have with every aspect of our life > to be a part of problem –  or –  part of solution.
• Physical nourishment needed
• enjoying bounty of life > If you cannot be grateful for that = Something seriously wrong = serious psychological ailment.

Eight tips on how to “hold space” for people

What does it mean to hold space for someone else?
It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome.
When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

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Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses.
It is something that ALL of us can do for each other – for our partners, children, friends, neighbours, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re riding the bus to work.

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Remember

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.
2. Give people only as much information as they can handle.
3. Don’t take their power away.
4. Keep your own ego out of it.
5. Make them feel safe enough to fail.
6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness.
7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.
8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would.

Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones just given. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.

 

> Read more: What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well

Seeking meaning, not happiness, will make you happier

A true believer in Christ Jesus even surrounded with lots of difficulties shall be able to receive the pleasures and well-being of their hope in the promises of God.
As such their happiness may be an unintended side effect of their personal dedication to a greater cause than many human pleasures and greater than oneself or as the by-product of their surrender to the Most High Divine Being, Jehovah God.

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Preceding article

Greeting a person to give happiness

Antidotes for Chimps

Photo by Peter Lloyd on Unsplash

One of the most stinging ironies of our species is the pursuit of happiness, an idea that is tragically self-defeating. Like the donkey being pushed forward by a glistening carrot that will forever elude him, pursuing happiness will position it just out of reach, but close enough for us to continue striving. It’s right there to be taken – so near and yet so far – if our grasping mitts were just a little longer.

As it turns out, happiness is incidental. It cannot be obtained by striving, and by doing so you’re making an ass of yourself. This is known as the paradox of hedonism, the idea that seeking happiness/pleasure only serves to hinder it, and in fact, you’re more likely to be happier if you quit your foolish efforts.

An example from Wikipedia illustrates the concept perfectly:

“Suppose Paul likes to…

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When Tragedy Strikes…

People can encounter difficult situations which can open an unexpected door of healing. Today the guestspeaker was reminded of the story of Joseph and his reconciliation with his brothers.

It took a moment of great emotion to open a door that, with God’s help, Joseph walked through to embrace his brothers with forgiveness and understanding that what he went through was necessary to become the man that God intended for him to be.

We also look at the release of all the pent-up emotion and guilt which must have been very freeing, and at a story that reminds that God uses all things for His glory, not just the easy situations.

As a mother, her desire is to have shalom (peace) in her home all the time but of course, that isn’t very realistic. When people are involved, there will be some sort of conflict.

We always have the choice to allow God to influence us through difficult circumstances or we can stubbornly refuse to walk through the door He provides.

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Preceding articles

Many opportunities given by God

When God Moved a Mountain

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We recently had a tragedy on our farm. It involved one of our goats and ice and resulted in a freak accident that took his life. You might be thinking, “It’s just a goat…?”  As you may have discerned, we have an interesting perspective on animals around here. They are all pets and they become part of the family in a way. I know… not very “farmer-like” is it? The news about the accident actually came in a phone call as Erika and I had been traveling at the time. Between the upset of losing a goat and wanting to be home to help, the sadness over the situation was magnified.

As difficult as this situation was, it opened an unexpected door of healing. It reminded me of the story of Joseph and his reconciliation with his brothers. It took a moment of great emotion to open a door that…

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Restitution

We are bounded by time and our actions in time. We can stay chained by them or being liberated in time.

In our life we always shall encounter easy but also difficult situations and shall get moments that we can get trapped in our own stupidity, making faults, hurting others, coming into arguments leading to nowhere and getting us in problems, but also getting ourselves being hurt by others.

When something went wrong and got us in anger, we either have the choice to stay in that anger or to be more smart and not let this anger ruin our life.
We better let go of our anger, grudge, and desire to get even with the person(s) who wronged us. forgiving does not have to mean you condone with or minimize the harmful words or deeds. Forgiving is your willingness to take a strong position by humbling yourself before the other and showing your willingness to come closer again to him or her. It is your willingness to show that you are willing to take a deliberate decision to release any negative thoughts towards the person(s) who hurt you.

We all should know that “Forgiveness” has many benefits.

Considering these seven (classic) benefits could motivate you to actively choose to forgive someone who hurt you deeply. Forgiveness:

1. Enhances your emotional well-being. When you let go of grudges it relieves you of stress that could sabotage your emotional health.
2. Frees you from the hurt. When you don’t forgive, you are hurt first by the pain of the offense, and then by the bitterness you carry that impacts your emotional and physical well-being. But forgiveness reduces the emotional pain.
3. Gives you peace of mind. Genuine forgiveness replaces feelings of anger, bitterness and resentments with a positive feeling of compassion for the person who caused you harm. This gives you a sense of calm and peace.
4. Improves your physical health. Research indicates that forgiveness could lead to lowered heart rates and blood pressure which could have a positive effect on your overall health.
5. Builds stronger connections. When you learn to forgive you are better able to act in a positive way to people even though they disappoint you. This makes it easier to build healthy relationships and make connections with other people, for example, in your family and at work.
6. Improves your marriage. It is much easier to resolve conflicts in your marriage if you have a forgiving spirit. Relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, explains that forgiveness sustains long-term relationships.
7. Makes your happier. People who forgive are happier because they have learned to let go burdens of resentment and anger. This restores their freedom and sense of well-being leading to true happiness.

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Preceding article:

Time Has A Way Of Healing

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Find also to read:

1. The business of this life
2. Oh god, this is never going to end!
3. Patient waiting
4. A time for everything
5. Malefactors becoming your master
6. Putting your feelings into words and sharing them
7. We all have to have dreams
8. Doest thou well to be Angry?
9. A man who cannot forgive others
10. He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass
11. Be ye angry and sin not
12. Be holy
13. The first on the list of the concerns of the saint
14. Growth in character
15. She who sows thistles will reap prickles
16. Love is like playing the piano
17. Forgiveness is a blessing for the one who forgives
18. He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger
19. Allowed to heal
20. See the conquest and believe that we can gain the victory
21. Singing gift from God
22. Unconditional love
23. Your Sins Are Forgiven

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Related articles

• The Cycle of Thorns &Roses part 2… Getting to the roses… (trilovespeaks.wordpress.com)
  We can be angry at other things, other people and other objects, not knowing it comes from bitterness. All our energy and mind are set in an anger-mode, and we’re affected mentally. There is no joy, no creativity, and no positive power flowing through our lives, because there is resentment there.
• Forgiveness: 5 Reasons Why You Should Let Go of Resentments (bloguvib.wordpress.com)
  To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds. ~Wayne Dyer
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  Deep down inside you know Why you should let go and how to let go of it all in order to find peace of mind and be happy. Allow yourself to receive this gift, because forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, first and foremost. The moment you tell yourself: I had enough, this pain no longer serves me, that will be the moment you will actually understand Why forgiveness is power and why you are the first one to benefit from it.
• Why Forgiveness Is Worth Fighting For (news.peacefmonline.com)
  There are still scars in my mind and heart, and in the minds and hearts of others who were involved. But for the most part, they are just scars.

  They are no longer gaping, open wounds. They are not as sensitive as they once were. And while I still tread carefully — the memory of the pain is still there, even if the pain itself is not — the effects on my everyday life are minimal.
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  focus on what I have, and not what I don’t have or what I no longer have. It’s important for me to work on my own issues and not worry so much about what other people are doing to work on theirs.

• Why Forgiveness is Power (earthweareone.com)
  I know it’s a lot easier to give back exactly what you receive, and in this case, a lot of negativity, but we don’t want to do what’s easier, but rather what is best for our health, our well being and that of those around us. I know that people can be really mean sometimes, and that they can do horrible things to those they come in contact with, to those they love and care about, but I also believe that people can change, and this is why it’s so important to give up on your personal history that you might have had with those people, and allow them to show you just that.
• Learn Forgiveness from Your King (Matthew 18:21-35) (christoursaviorchurch.wordpress.com)
  It’s hard to forgive when someone has hurt you, and I mean really hurt you. It’s hard to look someone who just hurt you in the face and forgive them from your heart, as Jesus tells us to do today, with no trace of lingering bitterness, resentment, or anger.

  It’s hard to forgive when, often, the person who hurt you isn’t just some stranger on the street, but someone near and dear to you. It’s hard to forgive when sometimes the people who hurt us in the past seem to misuse our forgiveness as they keep on hurting us, over and over and over again.
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  Our King’s forgiveness changes how we answer that question, doesn’t it? What we don’t do is act like this wicked servant in Jesus’ parable. We don’t come into church here on a weekly basis, sit in front of God’s word on a daily basis, hear him tell us that our innumerable sins have been completely forgiven and forgotten, and then walk out that door and refuse to forgive the comparatively small and insignificant sins that others may commit against us. We don’t hold comparatively little sins over the heads of other people when we have had 10,000 talents worth of sins removed from our heads. There’s no more room for grudge holding in our lives. Petty arguments and stubbornness have no place in our relationships.

• How To Forgive and Speed Up Your Healing (conqueringfearspiritually.com)
  How many times has somebody you know held a grudge against someone for a really stupid reason? “She didn’t bring me a present when we had our housewarming party”, “He said he’d take my son to football, but he never offered to”, “She told me she’d phone me, but she forgot”. Little resentments like this build up over time. When they happen they can be seemingly inconsequential- you can brush them off and put it down to them having a busy day. When you find yourself feeling irritated by the person however, recognise this feeling and know that it is hindering you moving forward, creating hidden negativity, but it is more importantly a huge energy zapper.

Source of Inspiration

Part of cleaning our past
as we move forward on the
path of love, is to make
restitution to those we
have harmed by our
actions or inactions;
our failure to act
with integrity and love.

Examine your conscience;
return what you have
ruthlessly taken, make amends
however you can. Go beyond
paying in kind; be generous, give more,

When those whom you’ve harmed
can forgive you, it is a glorious
day indeed. But even if they
are not able to forgive and
trust you, wish them well,
pray for their healing;
then forgive yourself, last
step of making amends.

We all have failed at times;
restitution is a key to healing;
hand in hand with
forgiveness to all,
including you as well.
Do not wallow in self-hatred
for if God forgives all to
those who are sincere,
sshouldn’twe forgive
ourselves as well?

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