Author Archives: lizaborstlap

About lizaborstlap

My life journey humbled me in many ways. Writing helped me to heal, to grow and to learn about myself. Journaling is a lot like meditation, it brings a sense of calm to my day. “To let go and embrace healing is always the most courageous path. Forget the words and write your truth.” ~ Claire De Boer

ek is bang ek vergeet

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22 Maart 2018

Ek neem so baie in en my oë sien prentjies om elke hoek en draai. Vandag plunge ek na ‘n diep plek en ek dink sommer aan alles wat vir my belangrik is.

Ek is bang ek vergeet hierdie ervaring.

Ek moet my hande en my hart oopvou. Alles wat ek sien en beleef moet deur my spoel.

Een van die dae is ek terug in my gewone roetine, maar ek sal nie dieselfde wees nie.   Hierdie ervaring word deel van my en verander die buitelyne van my wese.

Ek gaan nie dieselfde wees nie maar tóg presies soos gister. Dit is die lewe.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.

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The time had come to open her heart to joy, to love, to the unknown, to sadness, to what was, to hope, to what will…

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ommekeer

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13 Maart 2018

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Gerhard het my nie alles vertel van Beijing lughawe nie.  Ek dink dat as ek geweet het wat op my wag sou ek ‘n ligte kalmeermiddel geneem het.

Ek is só lekker ontspanne, ek het die heelpad van Johannesburg tot Beijing gelees aan Elders van Erns Grundling wat sy storie oor die Camino vertel.

Mens slaap nie in die dag nie. Nee wag, ék slaap nie in die dag nie. Veral nie as daar 1025 skoenlappers in jou maag rondfladder van opwinding nie.

En toe land ek op Beijing en ek moet my connectingflight haal tot in Guangzhou.

immigrasie
en ek moet my tas vind
maar eers moet ek die trein haal
alles is in chinees en die dik ronde engelse uitspraak
maak alles vir my onverstaanbaar
ek volg die trop
maar mense loop inmekaar
teenmekaar
deurmekaar
ek vra
kry ‘n vriendelike glimlag
en chinees
en

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you can’t wake a person that is pretending to be asleep

To remember

  • Learning to love parts of me that no one claps for. (Rudy Francisco)
  • Listening to myself > carrying a lot of unspoken stress.
  • Environment allowed to silence inner voice.
  • Want to feel that I am living the best life possible.
  • Did not give appropriate attention to blind spots in my life =>area where a person’s view is obstructed.
  • re-examine my life … again
  • We think we are safe in the bubble => we actually put ourselves in danger by becoming powerless.
  • group mentality doesn’t really offer fertile ground for creativity.
  • responsible for own moral + ethical landscape.
  • search for your blind spots
  • Examine your environment + ask hard questions
  • Freedom comes when we speak the truth. Even if our voices shake.
  • When truth revealed >  blind spot = weak spot.

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I am still learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for.
(Rudy Francisco)

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I was listening to myself speak lately and I realised that I was carrying a lot of unspoken stress. The emotions that I felt caught me completely off guard and I wondered why I allowed my environment to silence my inner voice.
I want to feel that I am living the best life possible.
I want to think that I am comfortable with my choices and that they are intentional.
I want to believe that I learned from previous mistakes and experiences.
I want people to experience me as a free spirit with an eclectic view on life.
Newsflash …!
I am so comfortable inside my own identity that I did not give appropriate attention to the blind spots in my life.

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Blind spot: an area where a person’s view is obstructed.
“the…

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let go… or be dragged

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I used to feel uncomfortable when people asked me why I am estranged from my family. It is difficult to explain a life-long struggle in a few sentences. How do you describe the rejection and the hurt? How do you share openly without being judged? People with strong relational families find it hard to understand.

It was a decision that left me with a limp.

How do I explain the fact that I used to live in constant fear; that I continuously questioned people’s intentions instead of embracing and enjoying the joy of companionship? Can one measure the amount of time it took to rebuild my capacity to trust others; to build a new support structure?

Sometimes the strongest thing you will ever do will be to let go of someone. It will be painful, you will suffer guilt, and you will second-guess yourself, but for your own sanity…

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don’t look at me in that tone of voice!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice.
Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice.
Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”

Roy T. Benett

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“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
Kurt Vonnegut

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I have often been fascinated by people’s perspectives; the fact that two people can look at the same thing or event and experience totally opposite emotions.
I have seen siblings growing up in the same environment where one is adversely affected by something and the other continues with life as if nothing has happened.
I have seen people living in dire circumstances that encourage others that live in luxury.
I have seen people excel despite harrowing experiences.
I have seen the suffering of those living in close proximity to negative people and the ripple effect that it has on the spiritual temperature of a home.
I have often wondered if a person is born with a tendency to have a positive or a negative attitude.

“Attitude is a little thing…

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Patience is also a form of action

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Waiting is definitely a test. It tests our patience and our loyalty. It tests our love and our mercy. Waiting is not for the weak. (Lee Young)

I consider myself a patient person but waiting on God changed me forever. Waiting chiseled at my rough edges. It revealed to me my true character. It accentuated the distance between God and me.

I find it hard to deal with God’s silences. I want quick solutions to difficult problems and God’s timeline hardly ever aligns with mine.

Wait. Be patient. Why is it so easy to say, but so hard to do?

When I look back on the seasons of my life, I must admit that I act differently during the times of testing. My conversations with God often fill up with frustration and anger and it is difficult to keep impatience from spilling into my spiritual life. These are the times…

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even so, it is well with my soul

Rush to hospital > Chronic Kidney Failure Stage 3 > transfer to the Jacaranda Hospital > a nephrologist = lifesaver.

daughter seventeen years old > downward spiral soon classify her as Stage 4 chronic kidney disease (CKD) => need dialysis or kidney transplant in near future + many adjustments + Lifestyle changes. Dietary changes. Physical and emotional changes

witnessed her spiritual growth, she made peace with her own reality + all her energy focussed on finding natural ways to increase quality of her life.

learnt about humility

It is well with my soul …’ =  song written by Horatio Spafford, who experienced great personal loss. > in midst of his tragedy > able to rejoice in God’s goodness.

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Preceding articles:

When you stay in your lane, there’s no traffic.

Though disabled in the eyes of society able to do great things

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Save

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Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.

Charles Spurgeon

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April 2006

She fell ill with a fever that I could not contain.  I rushed her to hospital late at night and before we could gather our bearings, she was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Failure Stage 3. I briefly remember admission into Little Company of Mary Hospital, the transfer to Pretoria Urology Hospital, the urologist telling me that the damage was so severe that they could not do a proper biopsy and another transfer to the Jacaranda Hospital where we met a nephrologist that would become a lifesaver. My daughter was seventeen years old.

I remember a downward spiral that would soon classify her as Stage 4.

A person with stage 4 chronic kidney disease (CKD) has advanced kidney damage with a severe decrease in the glomerular filtration rate

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requiem vir die sewende vrou

Sommer omdat iemand vandag weer gekarring het aan my vrede.

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(sestien jaar later)

dit is die ding met ‘n egskeiding
dit bly jou agtervolg
en as daar kinders is
word hulle strooipoppe in die wind
en as die regsaksies verby is
en jy stadig aan jou stilte wil teug
dan kom die laaste bepaling
en die woede wat jou weer wil verslind

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30 April 2016

ek wou my eers vererg
(nee, moenie laat ek nou vir myself staan en lieg nie)
ek hét my vererg
en diep geplunge na ‘n plek waarvan ek al vergeet het
anger, resentment, rooi-warm koors
nie eers die beautiful bont krabbels wat my buurvrou vir my gestuur het
kon my uitlig nie
en ek het met skaamte onthou
dat ek net nou die dag
vanaf my hoog-heilige troon vir iemand gesê het
nee man, moenie jou so ontstel nie
maar dis eers toe my eie nerwe afskuur
dat die onthou vlak kom sit
toe my kind…

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die seisoen draai vir my

 

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12 Augustus 2010

Ek voel elke dag ligter, daar is bande en strikke wat loskom en ek is dankbaar daarvoor. Dit is goed dat elke area in my lewe apart aangespreek word so dat ek nie iets mis nie. Ek doen baie introspeksie en het vir die eerste keer in jare tyd.
Mindspace.
Ek is nie spyt oor die besluite en keuses wat ek gemaak het nie, maar in retrospek sien ek die consequences. Ek gaan dit agter my sit.
Vryheid.
Om te weet ek het die beste gedoen wat ek in daardie oomblik gedink het, maar ek is nou vry daarvan.
Verwyte het nie meer plek nie, guilt nog minder.
Ek is losgemaak.
Nou span ek my lewe volgens God se plan en ek glo met my hele hart dat ek in purpose sal staan.
Ek begin oor.
Nuut.
God’s way en ek sien uit daarna.
Om nie meer hard te werk om co~dependent en disfunctional verhoudings in stand te hou nie. Dit is nie meer my selfopgelegde taak om die wiele aan die kar te hou nie.
Geen wonder ek het uitgebrand gevoel op elke terrein van my lewe nie.
As God my toegerus het vir die taak kan ek verantwoordelikheid aanvaar, maar buite my circle of influence kan ek net bid.
Dit is genoeg! Dit is bevrydend.
Ek glo ook nie meer die leuens oor my nie, alles wat oor my gespreek was nie.
Ek het probeer kompenseer deur al hoe meer toegewings te maak, my loon was kritiek en blaam.
God ken my hart, Hy ken my wil, Hy het my vergewe.
Hy seën my, ek het niks meer nodig nie.
Dit het my ‘n hele leeftyd geneem om hier te kom, maar dit is nie te laat nie.

Repentance is a decision that results in a change of mind, which in turn leads to a change of purpose and action.

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I love people who have been
through adversity and heartache and obstacles
as impossible as the sun itself.
They usually make it out with hearts as warm as gold.
Cores made of fire.
Lives soaked with full intention.
Hope like another morning.
They know how to start again ~
how to walk through walls
with palms wide open
And know how to begin at the edge, and the end.
Those to me are the best people.
(Victoria Erickson)

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I’ve never been rich,
but always wealthy,
giving and receiving
with my heart.
(C’Mor)

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re-frame obligation into conscious choices

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When I started writing this article, my mind wandered off to my early twenties.  I loved antique shops.  I would spend hours touching the beautiful furniture and imagining the history and stories behind every piece.  I really could not afford to buy any of these beauties, but soon found my way to the back of the shops.  I found the unwanted, broken and ugly pieces, often disguised in layers and layers of horrid paint. I made arrangements… sometimes worked in the shop as a casual, just to earn the items I wanted and to get them transported to my home.

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Restoration is not a glamorous task, I certainly did not have all the tools and skills that would have made this task easy.  I often found myself alone somewhere in the shade of a tree, wearing gardening gloves and applying paint stripper.  I often became so involved with the work…

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